Brew

In the end, it always comes down to a choice.

One between love and peace, passion and happiness. Although I sing loud the praises of love and passion, I tend to choose peace and happiness. Perhaps some of us are meant to stand outside the chaos, admiring its volatile beauty. We're there to remind those inside the cauldron that fire and water are necessary for their growth, and that they will ascend to the heavens with the sweet-smelling steam.

We dance at weddings, bless babies, write great love poems. Seasoning, tasting, adding. Stoking the flames.

We stir the pot.

It's necessary.

Sunflower

a silent 'if' lurks in front of everything you say
and while i appreciate the truth it carries
for me it's just a little scary
and i really don't see what's wrong with a bit of -
certainty -
anyway

even if it's false

and i know it sounds crazy
but you have to understand
that i'd rather be devastated then than lukewarm now (LET'S LIVE)
love, even as you hold me close every night
it feels as if you've got one foot out of the bed
and i guess those old insomniac tendencies die hard because
even with limbs interlocked and no space in-between
i sometimes get a chill from you
well meant, yes
and even refreshing
but it destroys the warmth i need to fully relax

wakes me up a bit

wish you would let go of your carefulness and measured statements
wish you would be here with me
in the lovers' dream
in the never-ending paradise of todays and tomorrows and ever-afters
wish you would let me love you
as if i had you
wish you would give up your fears about burning me
and provide for me the light and the warmth i need
to open up
completely

and i know you would appreciate
the beauty
of the seeds of so many futures inside
and the miracle
of the thousand petals that mimic your loverays but
make it tangible
it could be real
this intimate relationship between sun and sunflower
who, even from a billion light years
love each other truly
and you can tell because they even look alike
it could be you and me
if only
you would consider the possibility...


and don't worry: i admit
that i've played the fool too many times
but even i know
that every promise
isn't kept

so just let it be summer
for now
and as for winter

let's cross that bridge
when we get to it.

A New Way

It was well overdue.

You see, normally, I am not the type that breaks down. Until I am. And then I do. I really do. An extreme bull, I am sometimes stubborn to the point of self-delusion or even harm (unintentional, of course). My preferred method for dealing with problems usually involves seeing red, running around in circles (literally and figuratively - don't judge me), and then charging directly into the obstacle du jour. This hardly ever solves the problem; in fact it just ensures that I'll have to clean up an even bigger mess later. But, it gets me through to the next day, and the next problem, and the next adrenaline-fueled super push, and so on. Until...

Something happens, a miracle to beat all miracles. I find myself fresh out of problems (major ones, anyway). I look around, and it seems that somehow I've ended up somewhere at least similar to the place that I intended on going. "Well, I'll be damned..." Touched by the grace of Life, and more than that, tired, bruised and hurting, I collapse. In the stillness after the fall, a sensitive soul rises to the surface, the full weights of its pain and anger in tow. I can bear nothing more. It's as if I've reached the promised land, but the sunlight burns, and the air is too fresh to breathe. I'm not used to feeling anymore; the return of my senses is crippling.

Nothing could take me down before. Now, anything can. Any little thing.

The breakdown. And as I mentioned before, this one was well overdue. The breakthrough-breakdown cycle used to operate like clockwork. At the end of every semester, after the exams had done their worst, I finally found time to address whatever life had thrown at me during the course of the fall or spring. But my real-life problems have a tendency to drag on more than four months, and my psyche has no choice but to accommodate them, right? In short, the past two (three? four? eh, who's counting) years have been quite a ride. They've gone something like this:

A Failed Marriage!? Infidelity?! Sordid Details?!

Screw that!!! I'm out!!!

School all day, work all night?!

Why not?!? I can do it?! I love a good challenge!! (??)

Dream Job Gone Bad!? My "Soul Mate" Doesn't Want Me?!? Deceit?!? Manipulation?!?

Okay, well, screw that too!!! I'm out!!!

Paying Bills for a House I Don't Live In?!!? Countless Financial Woes!?

Hahaha! I laugh in the face of creditors!! You think I don't know it's you calling from that strange number, AquaFinance?! Well, think again! 'Click!'

Yeah... I didn't say I was proud of it.
Anyway, the last two weeks have been even more scary. The dramatic beginnings of what I'm sure will shape up to be an impressive breakdown finale:

A flat tire.

(sob for hours)

Accidentally erase pictures from my computer.

(sob for hours)

Have to purchase antivirus software.

(almost curse out a techie, then sob - while still on the phone with him - but only for about 45 minutes, and I'm not sure if he could tell...)

Read an article about mothers and daughters.

(sob...)

Relationship flashback.

(sob...)

Watch a TV commercial.

(sob...)


You get it by now.

I'm not bipolar, I promise. I don't need any medication, but I do need a better way of dealing with life. I'm not exactly sure where to begin, but I think "The New Way," as I'm calling it (it sounds so spiritual, right? so MetaphyZeNirvana...), will involve cultivating deeper and wider relationships, doing what I love, finding ways to forgive, and being still much more often. It sounds good, but for me, it's going to be rough.

Here goes nothin'...

Falling: Love and Want

Although you are not God
you have the power
in my life
to turn blessings into cursings

Please stay.

Although it is clear
that you are only a man
it seems you are the dance my hips were made for
What is a poet without her muse?
Pebbles along my path
The one I came back for.

After the storm, in the midst of it
you are the calm rushing in
to soothe.
The hand of Life
salvaging gems from the ashes
reintroducing me to the beauty of
being a woman
being myself.

Although I know I cannot have you
I would like to keep you -
the good, the bad and pure of you
the tangible honesty (wholeness)
that i have become accustomed to -
for now.
Please stay.

Why do we fear the things we want the most?

sunlight

sun rose this morning
as if for the first time
playfully reached out and coaxed me into waking life
presented a gift:
you are still here

light dances across your eyelids
fingers follow close behind, shy and excited
eyes open
and
bring me into an awareness -
the universe is complete
love cannot be created or destroyed
and god is real -

you are a pleasant surprise everyday

Agreed.

I am
way.
too.
deep.

I consulted my nerves on this issue
They gathered their aunties -
anxiety and fear -
and we all sat down
and had a pow-wow.

They advised
that I should leave you be.
pull back
let the embers cool
think
until I realize
that leaping
was never a good idea in the first place.

Indeed.
It seems as if my very life is contingent upon obedience to their orders.
But
i am a hellion
made of dirt and light
and i don't take direction well.
Besides
i'll take a sweet death over a stale life
any day.

So i dismissed the council
and called to you
but you were there
standing with them
in the dark.

they were whispering to you