Tonight, I am at a point in my life where I am very, very tired. I am exhausted by the constant transition, overwhelmed from being inundated with massive issues that ride into my life as punctually as the tide. I am tired of trying to figure it all out, which is funny, because I've hardly begun to try in the first place.
In fact, I'm too tired to finish this blog the way I intended to when I started. So, here are some things I've been thinking lately, just the raw deal, no fancy stuff.:
1. My soon-to-be ex-husband confuses the crap out of me, and it's so annoying. I do not regret our fights. Although I am remorseful and hurt by the memories, they were actually quite therapeutic for me. I think I'll take up kickboxing...
2. I am still very drawn to Christ and some Christian teachings, but I have not been to church regularly since 2007. Every time I go I remember why I stopped going. (Cue MJB's "No Drama"). But I will say that something in me really wants to have a solid spiritual connection with other people. That must be why I manage to muster up the self-induced amnesia that carries me through a dense fog and into the pews of a church once every six months. I need a new fix...
3. My personality has gone through some wild changes lately, at least to the outsider looking in. I, like most people, adjust to the world around me. I try my best to learn the lessons life presents to me, and modify my behavior accordingly. I am not unchanged by everything that has happened, and one part of me finds that fascinating, maybe even exciting. That's how life is lived - we change.
Another part of me is absolutely terrified about what that means for my future. There's a line in Their Eyes Were Watching God that I'll never forget: "Janie's first dream was dead, so she became a woman." The changes I've been going through lately all have to do with dead and dying dreams, so I guess I'm a woman now. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud. It makes me feel good to have come through some things, to have the kind of strength that has been tested. Still, as the quotation implies, there's a kind of morbidity that comes with this brand of maturity. There's a numbness to it. I'm afraid I'll end up another bitter black woman, damaged goods, or at the very least, just not special. True, I've learned a few things, become better in some ways, but in exchange some invisible hand has reached inside of me and started messing with the dimmer switch. This little light of mine isn't shining so bright anymore... and that scares me.
I saw one of MJB's SUV commercials the other day. Modern-day Mary was driving, and various Marys from other eras were filling the passenger and back seats. There were no words through the whole thing, until Modern Mary gets out and opens the trunk. The next shot is them driving away, with luggage on the sidewalk behind them. Then the voice over man says "The space to take everything with you, the wisdom to leave the baggage behind." At that, I burst into spontaneous tears (which I do a lot these days).
I want that. I want to own my innocence and my experience, and not have them cancel each other out. I want to make a purposeful decision to leave the burdens behind. I want a flicker of an idea about how to begin that process. And I want the courage, the hope, and the energy to follow through.
I also want your support, whoever you are. I can use all the help I can get. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, please.
Peace.
6 comments:
Carms, as another person in transition, I can definitely identify with how you're feeling. Sometimes I feel like I have it together, other times I want to give up. For most days, what keeps me going is the fact that it has to get better- that on the other side it has to be amazing. Think of it like this- when on an airplane and your ascending, you have to go through clouds; and that's where planes experience a lot of turbulence. But, when you get through to the other side, you're able to coast and enjoy the beauty and majesty of far more than you can imagine.
I believe that you, I, and many others are ascending- and we're in the clouds right now. I'm hopeful because I know it won't always be like this. I'm encouraged because I know that I'm not alone. I'm strengthened because I know of others who have come before me and have made it.
You too, my beautiful friend, will make it. And I'll be by your side every step of the way.
Awww, thanks Erin!!
The reference to Their Eyes Were Watching God seems especially cogent; Adulthood doesn't really start until you have a deferred dream. The scary part, as you said, is that you end up trading unbridled exuberance for tempered pragmatism. The lightness of childlike freedom for the heaviness of all things serious and mature.
In my experience, the only way you keep the weight from becoming unbearable is to hold on to the people, places, and ideas that spark hopeful resistance. Create, and, perhaps the hardest part, maintain, a vision of what your ideal world entails. Even if you have to keep it tucked away from public view, allow it to bloom like a secret garden that grows not because; but, rather, in spite of adversity.
Some things that I have found helpful
a song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLGWWDm5vk4
a poem
http://www.umich.edu/news/MT/NewsE/06_04/poem.html
a comic
http://zudacomics.com/bayou
Peace and blessings on your journey,
My comment may catch you off guard; heck! It's catching ME off guard. LOL...This comment is meant to share what I've realized recently in hopes that it will offer some comfort or at least spark something. What I have recently rediscovered is that there is no such thing as self-help (in my humble opinion).There is self discovery, self disclosure, and divine revelation (and a lot more, but self-help isn’t one of them). When self is in trouble, the answers that come "from within" come from the God part of us or our minds, while we are often the catalyst of our demise, we are not the source of our own wisdom. Truly, sis, I'm at a very humbled point in my life where I realize that without God (I'm speaking of Christ when I say “God”), nothing (for ME) is possible. My—oftentimes vain—philosophies do very little beyond entertain me momentarily and tickle my intellect. Seldom, do they quell my longing to live freely, release the load, and be the woman I see on the silver screen of my eyelids.
I am here to love you through the storm regardless. Just remember, people are people in mosques, temples, churches (been to them all) and outside bonfires...IMPERFECT. God alone is perfect ... if you want the answer, I recommend seeking Him the way YOU seek Him. Not the way church says you should or churchy friends or television shows say...the way that feels natural and soothing to your own soul. To “drama-proof” your life, you’d have to die and even that process can be dramatic—I imagine. To control how the drama others that you will connect with in the future, intentionally or unintentionally, bring into your life, you need only to exercise your freedom of CHOICE.
On to the maturity aspect…aahhh…I remember that line so clearly, and I have felt what you’re expressing so many times…probably at least 30 times this month alone. Life’s experiences definitely leave us changed…it’s up to us to do what the commercial says. I got some literal steps you could take and some practical ones. Please know this though, the second a dream of ours dies, we become a woman NOT because we know what it’s like to love and lose, but because our eyes are opened to the fact that it is this world’s nature to rob hearts and minds of dreams. We are women because we see what a word, a relationship, a slap across the face can do to a beautiful purpose. We see and feel how it can shatter the only thing we ever looked forward to in life; rob our only hope. We are women because God knows we will have to rely on His strength and fight like hell to reclaim, refine, and resurrect that dream for it IS the very reason we were born. I don’t care how small or how large, how close or how far…you were created for more than pragmatism and routine. We are women because when that dream first dies we no longer have the luxury of sitting beneath the trees daydreaming…it’s time to fight for the manifestation of what is (even if its dormant) and what is meant to be. Welcome, comrade, to womanhood. MUCH LOVE & RESPECT.
Sorry to hear about your soon to be ex-husband.
It must be a challenging time for you...
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