that girl

my heart hadn't beat all day
until the moment that you squeezed my hand.
just like that
i gave it up again.
easy.

i try to be hard

except that
it's so difficult to constantly fight against
such essential desire
denying that I need love
seems to me the highest breach of my own sacredness
i am lost to myself
and yet
i won't survive here as
that
girl.

that vulnerable girl.
that open girl.
that soft and insecure girl
gently crying then sobbing
and beaming smiling
that girl who craves your attention
and would crawl into your lap
and curl up like a cat
and just pur.
if she could

she is far
too delicate
to survive here.
in the land of clever detachment
and nonchalance.
there is no milk or honey here
not even any water
no sun
just the dimness turning disbelief into
something we call worthy
and the noxious smells of putrid hearts
rotting from under use
growing roots
and sinking into the soil.
growing into trees of knowledge.
we celebrate, and though the fruit is not good to eat,
we feast
keeping the veil pulled tight around our painful revelries
Love may not lay eyes
upon us now.
Here, the people free their souls from the burden
of divinity
and prefer to take their bitters
as desserts.

souls
will surely die in this place.
and mine is no different.
so I put her away
for safekeeping.
but in all her weakness
she is a risk-taker
and refuses to be shut-up
around you.

but that girl
bright and rapidly fading
will not survive here.