The Revolution Has Been Televised

Barack Obama just accepted the presidential nomination of the Democratic Party. I just finished sobbing. I never thought I would see it in my lifetime - a Black man with a real chance at being President. Never.

I didn't think I would react so strongly. In fact, many of the emotions my soul has released this week of the Democratic National Convention have caught me off guard. Yesterday, when Obama came onstage only for a brief moment, my body immediately leaped off the couch and proceeded to dance and shout for several minutes, without warning. Like a child celebrating the appearance of a hero, I felt proud, safe, happy... free. I wore myself out dancing and chanting last night, and then marveled at the effect this man had on me.

Make no mistake, I have always been amazed by Barack Obama, and all that his nomination means for America. I have been a staunch supporter for quite some time. Still, this week has been... different, especially tonight. As he delivered his acceptance speech, I thought to myself, "They can finally see us." I said it aloud, whispered it to myself. They can see us.

I have no idea where that thought came from. I had no idea that I felt invisible until just that moment. Nonetheless, when Obama accepted the nomination, something broke open inside of me and then began to heal. At once I felt affirmed, acknowledged. Seen.

Black Americans were born inside the gates of America, but far from the comfort of the home. Generation by generation, we have inched closer to the house where our white brothers and sisters reside. The Civil Rights Movement took us directly to the front steps, where we protested and prayed and sang and shouted and were noticed, but only for a little while. As decades passed and the memories of our great leaders faded into history, America removed us from its focus, and we began to blend in with our surroundings. We became permanent fixtures on the porch of America's home - accepted, sometimes appreciated and bragged about (for aesthetic reasons - the trendy look of diversity), but largely passed by, unnoticed. We have never been acknowledged as people, five-fifths human. We have never been invited in. Every now and then, someone finds the chutzpa to knock at the door. But there has never been an answer. The door has never been opened.

Until now.

Obama is a man none of us can deny. He is intelligent, spiritual, and sincere - called for this purpose. Barack Obama holds the key to the door of a new America. With his message of hope and belief in dreams, he has opened the eyes of all Americans. Now they see us.

More importantly, now we have the opportunity to see ourselves in a whole new way. We can begin to shed the insecurities, the inferiority complexes, the robes of stress we acquire from operating in a world where we feel out of control and incapable, on varying levels, every day. Now, when we tell our kids that they can be anything they want, we can believe it, and they can believe in themselves. When they come home from school and say that they want to be the future Presidents of the United States of America, we don't have to smile and nod while silently disregarding it as a pipe dream. We can see ourselves now. Aren't we beautiful?

I do not think that electing Barack Obama into office will instantly overturn the racism that has been ingrained in our institutions since the nation's birth. To expect such would be ridiculous. However, I do feel that his election will be a great leap toward the healing of the Black American psyche. Even in coming this far, he has provided us the chance to take up the pride, courage, and self-love that we lost somewhere in the midst of Cointelpro, crack, and BET. He has done wonders for me in just a night.

I think that tomorrow I will wake with a fresh kind of confidence and a new sense of community: America. I will expect to be seen as I pass by, so I will wave. I will expect to be heard, so I will open my mouth and speak. Amazing. If other people feel the way I do, then things really can change. Barack Obama is the leader of a new revolution. Who knew that it would be televised?

Thanks, Future President Obama, for helping us all see.

Inspirations

So, after a euphoric high point this summer followed recently by a slight lull, I find myself trying to get back on the path to sunlight and dream-living. Here are some of the quotations that have inspired me lately:

"This is our goal, to experience the fullness of life by being active participants in the living process."
~Blu Moon

"I live my life the way I want. I've got nothing to hide, nothing at all."
~Ayo, "Life is Real"

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
~Howard Thurman

"Knowledge is a process of piling up facts; wisdom is their simplification."
~Martin H. Fisher

"Live your life with a purpose beyond yourself, and you'll find that the world is as bold and broad as the interests that brought you here today."
~Bryant Gumbel

"A hard worker has plenty of food, but a person who chases fantasies has no sense."
~Proverbs 12:11

...and this entire article: http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200809_omag_beck_coach/1

poem for the river

you
asked me
if i thought
i could love you.
i said that
i could.
truth.

Snapshot Poem: "Wide Eyes"

Maybe if I
Gave it a shot
I could fly
In my dreams
Again

Perhaps if I let loose and shined my light
Showed my pride
Bore my teeth
Wore my smile
I might be once again
Free

I think that I can reach that place again
In fact, I know that I’m (headed) there
And I would like to share, with you
The beauty of love and awareness
The wonder of the sun

Would love to find balance
And work toward nirvana with you
Ecstasy in your arms
Manifest visions that rest behind eyelids
Flying in my dreams
With you

I want to love you the most in the present moment
Won’t wait for tomorrow
To just be with you
I will give my greatest gifts to you
If you will accept
My love
And constant transition

We can grow together
Dig deep into the Earth and be buried alive in each others’ skin together
Burst through the soil and become new life together
Look, reach for the sun together
Drop the fruit that the birds eat and take to the skies together
Free fall together, back toward home
And start all over together

You can be my love, my partner
I your confidante and trusted friend
And we can enjoy, together
The life we create from love
In the wide open spaces of the moment

Snapshot Poem: "The Prodigal"

Rebellious
mind whirling, body sinking, soul convulsing
still pressing outward
away from the fire
that burned

scared, but independent
determined, but unsure
can dreams come true?
or is my ultimate destination
a mirage

must find out
will not be bound
by spirit or truth
don’t want to act
perfect
for their sake
uneasy, to acknowledge the heaven
and not the earth
the clouds
without the dirt

but spirit and flesh coexist
not always friends
not always enemies
but companions

so, gone into darkness to find
pieces of self that make spirit smile
or cringe, both are necessary for now
and if this journey should lead to a return
spirit will put it all back together again
and exhale a pleasant sigh
that her flesh
is home

Snapshot Poem: "Salvation"

How can I save the world
If I can’t even save myself?

But then,
I suppose
I haven’t thought I could save myself
for a while
I was told
He would do it
He was the only one who could
But I think I messed it up
Put it on wrong
Somewhere in the midst of the waves and wind
My own ignorance
The rope He threw into the sea for me
Became a noose

I wonder if
By the time the storm subsides
I’ll be dead anyway

And it’s too late now
To choose
A dignified death
Death my way
I would have rather drowned
Been lost forever at sea
Had them remember me smiling, enjoying the water even as it consumed me
Than having them drag my heavy body ashore
Screaming, wailing, gasping
At my bloated, unrecognizable features
Recoiling at the site of my body
Their daughter, sister, friend
Within reach
But no glimpse of who she used to be
More than dead
Gone

Might be what happens

But then again
I suppose
I haven’t thought I could save myself
For a while
Which means I haven’t tried…

Snapshot Poem: "Untitled Part II"

II

Perhaps I am wrong
They are superwomen
Living dreams
Leaving me behind
Perhaps I am missing out
On the beauty of life
Always longing for it

I wonder perhaps,
If a part of me is missing
Dead before birth
10 fingers
10 toes
But no emotional competence
Lacking the ability to maintain the connections
I so sincerely need
Drive and follow-through, nil
A deficit of action
And overcompensating imagination

And so I spend my days
Imagining a life like theirs
Scared to find out the hard way

Snapshot Poem: "Might"

might have to end it all
after all
it’s all over anyway
tired of the confusion
upset with my own delusions
but not wanting to substitute their illusions
God knows I’ve wanted to figure it out
and I’ve tried with all my…

might have to run away
too scared what will happen to me if I stay
and settling down into this quicksand fate
mocks the thought of destiny
makes all of the prophecies seem like hypocrisy
don’t want to pay the cost
so maybe I’ll just get lost
write a letter saying “I can’t do this anymore; I’m tired
but I really did love you, with all of my…”

might have to make a life out of this
quilt a blanket of joy
from the tattered pieces of dreams never to be realized
the broken pieces of me behind the disguise
elders said stay, and if I strive to be wise
I must first heed wisdom
(I suppose)
want to make the adult decision
but in this situation my immaturity has come raging out of remission
and He’s tried to use that double-edged sword to make an incision
though He slay me
but I feel like I’m bleeding to death
flesh and spirit draining from my side until there’s nothing left
head hung low
Father, why have you forsaken me!
really, do you know what it’s like to be slain?
for me it is too much
and I don’t think I can bear this weight
I don’t think I can live this life
I don’t think I can take another step
on this path
too weak, and too angry to follow behind a crowd I’m not sure if I trust anymore
too wary too find out if I can trust anymore
but something small and still within me is still believing that He loves me with all of His..

might have to let it all go
give up the fantasy for good
open the gates
and let my emotions flow
trust that God will calm the waters, and that time will show
that a good life here is possible
that I can overcome all the obstacles
that peace
and love
and joy
and soul-satisfaction are probable
if I love Him with all of my…

Snapshot Poems, 2006 - 2008

The next few posts are selections from a group of old poems I found recently. I wrote them over the past two years - a period of my life that has been tumultuous even on the best days. In re-reading them, I discovered that they provide very accurate glimpses into where I was at given points during this grand transition. When read together, they tell my story honestly and somewhat well.

Some of these poems represent who I am and how I feel today, some do not. However, I think that in order to be the person I want to be, and to give and receive love the way I need to, I have to share the whole process.

Go there with me...?

Love and peace.

Sister of Samson

I think I know now,
How Samson must have felt

You crept in
Like a warm breeze
Comfort to a love-weary soul
Spoke words like honey and oil
Dripping down the side of my neck
Covering all the places you kissed
Luxurious

And I was so tired of being strong

I think I know how Samson felt

In your arms the weight of the world fell off my shoulders
And I was just a woman
And you, a man
Finally, a man
Loving me, could make me forget
Could make me remember what mortality was like
Tenderness and vulnerability
It may have been foolish but the breathing was so much sweeter
With you there beside me
Knowing it wouldn’t last forever
I cherished each exhale

You took my strength

It may have been foolish
But I was willing
To put it all on the line
purpose power position promise
love life
For those moments
Your sweet
Rest

Samson and I
May have been foolish
But
We just wanted someone’s hands in our hair.

Well, hello... :)

Hello Good People!

Thanks for visiting. This is my first post, so I thought I'd briefly explain what this blog is all about...

I've never been much of a talker. Unlike some, it seems I wasn't born with the innate knowledge of how to share myself and make real connections with others, excepting a dear few. This has earned me several labels over the years: "shy," "quiet," "thoughtful," "uptight," "boring," "antisocial," "independent," "loner," "strong," etc. It was even suggested at one time that I simply didn't like people. (Harsh...) All of these were probably true at some point, at least a little. But none were as true as this: I am guarded. Fear -- not wisdom, meanness, or tactical self-preservation -- has always been the primary motivator behind my decisions to keep my lips sealed. I actually love people... I guess I just was never sure whether people would love me back, if they knew all that there was to know.

I don't think I want to be guarded anymore. Although I'm thankful for the years that my introverted side has had to stretch and develop, I think Life is trying to balance out my yin nature with a bit more yang. I'm ready.

For me, the decision to blog was a sort of self-prescribed therapy. Part of my personal expansion; an opening up to the world. Here you will find my experiences, opinions, interests and inspirations laid out as raw as possible, in many different forms. Feel free to comment, pose questions, drop love or whatever. I'd love to hear from you.

Here we go...


Love and peace,


Carmen