A New Way

It was well overdue.

You see, normally, I am not the type that breaks down. Until I am. And then I do. I really do. An extreme bull, I am sometimes stubborn to the point of self-delusion or even harm (unintentional, of course). My preferred method for dealing with problems usually involves seeing red, running around in circles (literally and figuratively - don't judge me), and then charging directly into the obstacle du jour. This hardly ever solves the problem; in fact it just ensures that I'll have to clean up an even bigger mess later. But, it gets me through to the next day, and the next problem, and the next adrenaline-fueled super push, and so on. Until...

Something happens, a miracle to beat all miracles. I find myself fresh out of problems (major ones, anyway). I look around, and it seems that somehow I've ended up somewhere at least similar to the place that I intended on going. "Well, I'll be damned..." Touched by the grace of Life, and more than that, tired, bruised and hurting, I collapse. In the stillness after the fall, a sensitive soul rises to the surface, the full weights of its pain and anger in tow. I can bear nothing more. It's as if I've reached the promised land, but the sunlight burns, and the air is too fresh to breathe. I'm not used to feeling anymore; the return of my senses is crippling.

Nothing could take me down before. Now, anything can. Any little thing.

The breakdown. And as I mentioned before, this one was well overdue. The breakthrough-breakdown cycle used to operate like clockwork. At the end of every semester, after the exams had done their worst, I finally found time to address whatever life had thrown at me during the course of the fall or spring. But my real-life problems have a tendency to drag on more than four months, and my psyche has no choice but to accommodate them, right? In short, the past two (three? four? eh, who's counting) years have been quite a ride. They've gone something like this:

A Failed Marriage!? Infidelity?! Sordid Details?!

Screw that!!! I'm out!!!

School all day, work all night?!

Why not?!? I can do it?! I love a good challenge!! (??)

Dream Job Gone Bad!? My "Soul Mate" Doesn't Want Me?!? Deceit?!? Manipulation?!?

Okay, well, screw that too!!! I'm out!!!

Paying Bills for a House I Don't Live In?!!? Countless Financial Woes!?

Hahaha! I laugh in the face of creditors!! You think I don't know it's you calling from that strange number, AquaFinance?! Well, think again! 'Click!'

Yeah... I didn't say I was proud of it.
Anyway, the last two weeks have been even more scary. The dramatic beginnings of what I'm sure will shape up to be an impressive breakdown finale:

A flat tire.

(sob for hours)

Accidentally erase pictures from my computer.

(sob for hours)

Have to purchase antivirus software.

(almost curse out a techie, then sob - while still on the phone with him - but only for about 45 minutes, and I'm not sure if he could tell...)

Read an article about mothers and daughters.

(sob...)

Relationship flashback.

(sob...)

Watch a TV commercial.

(sob...)


You get it by now.

I'm not bipolar, I promise. I don't need any medication, but I do need a better way of dealing with life. I'm not exactly sure where to begin, but I think "The New Way," as I'm calling it (it sounds so spiritual, right? so MetaphyZeNirvana...), will involve cultivating deeper and wider relationships, doing what I love, finding ways to forgive, and being still much more often. It sounds good, but for me, it's going to be rough.

Here goes nothin'...

Falling: Love and Want

Although you are not God
you have the power
in my life
to turn blessings into cursings

Please stay.

Although it is clear
that you are only a man
it seems you are the dance my hips were made for
What is a poet without her muse?
Pebbles along my path
The one I came back for.

After the storm, in the midst of it
you are the calm rushing in
to soothe.
The hand of Life
salvaging gems from the ashes
reintroducing me to the beauty of
being a woman
being myself.

Although I know I cannot have you
I would like to keep you -
the good, the bad and pure of you
the tangible honesty (wholeness)
that i have become accustomed to -
for now.
Please stay.