A New Way

It was well overdue.

You see, normally, I am not the type that breaks down. Until I am. And then I do. I really do. An extreme bull, I am sometimes stubborn to the point of self-delusion or even harm (unintentional, of course). My preferred method for dealing with problems usually involves seeing red, running around in circles (literally and figuratively - don't judge me), and then charging directly into the obstacle du jour. This hardly ever solves the problem; in fact it just ensures that I'll have to clean up an even bigger mess later. But, it gets me through to the next day, and the next problem, and the next adrenaline-fueled super push, and so on. Until...

Something happens, a miracle to beat all miracles. I find myself fresh out of problems (major ones, anyway). I look around, and it seems that somehow I've ended up somewhere at least similar to the place that I intended on going. "Well, I'll be damned..." Touched by the grace of Life, and more than that, tired, bruised and hurting, I collapse. In the stillness after the fall, a sensitive soul rises to the surface, the full weights of its pain and anger in tow. I can bear nothing more. It's as if I've reached the promised land, but the sunlight burns, and the air is too fresh to breathe. I'm not used to feeling anymore; the return of my senses is crippling.

Nothing could take me down before. Now, anything can. Any little thing.

The breakdown. And as I mentioned before, this one was well overdue. The breakthrough-breakdown cycle used to operate like clockwork. At the end of every semester, after the exams had done their worst, I finally found time to address whatever life had thrown at me during the course of the fall or spring. But my real-life problems have a tendency to drag on more than four months, and my psyche has no choice but to accommodate them, right? In short, the past two (three? four? eh, who's counting) years have been quite a ride. They've gone something like this:

A Failed Marriage!? Infidelity?! Sordid Details?!

Screw that!!! I'm out!!!

School all day, work all night?!

Why not?!? I can do it?! I love a good challenge!! (??)

Dream Job Gone Bad!? My "Soul Mate" Doesn't Want Me?!? Deceit?!? Manipulation?!?

Okay, well, screw that too!!! I'm out!!!

Paying Bills for a House I Don't Live In?!!? Countless Financial Woes!?

Hahaha! I laugh in the face of creditors!! You think I don't know it's you calling from that strange number, AquaFinance?! Well, think again! 'Click!'

Yeah... I didn't say I was proud of it.
Anyway, the last two weeks have been even more scary. The dramatic beginnings of what I'm sure will shape up to be an impressive breakdown finale:

A flat tire.

(sob for hours)

Accidentally erase pictures from my computer.

(sob for hours)

Have to purchase antivirus software.

(almost curse out a techie, then sob - while still on the phone with him - but only for about 45 minutes, and I'm not sure if he could tell...)

Read an article about mothers and daughters.

(sob...)

Relationship flashback.

(sob...)

Watch a TV commercial.

(sob...)


You get it by now.

I'm not bipolar, I promise. I don't need any medication, but I do need a better way of dealing with life. I'm not exactly sure where to begin, but I think "The New Way," as I'm calling it (it sounds so spiritual, right? so MetaphyZeNirvana...), will involve cultivating deeper and wider relationships, doing what I love, finding ways to forgive, and being still much more often. It sounds good, but for me, it's going to be rough.

Here goes nothin'...

Falling: Love and Want

Although you are not God
you have the power
in my life
to turn blessings into cursings

Please stay.

Although it is clear
that you are only a man
it seems you are the dance my hips were made for
What is a poet without her muse?
Pebbles along my path
The one I came back for.

After the storm, in the midst of it
you are the calm rushing in
to soothe.
The hand of Life
salvaging gems from the ashes
reintroducing me to the beauty of
being a woman
being myself.

Although I know I cannot have you
I would like to keep you -
the good, the bad and pure of you
the tangible honesty (wholeness)
that i have become accustomed to -
for now.
Please stay.

Why do we fear the things we want the most?

sunlight

sun rose this morning
as if for the first time
playfully reached out and coaxed me into waking life
presented a gift:
you are still here

light dances across your eyelids
fingers follow close behind, shy and excited
eyes open
and
bring me into an awareness -
the universe is complete
love cannot be created or destroyed
and god is real -

you are a pleasant surprise everyday

Agreed.

I am
way.
too.
deep.

I consulted my nerves on this issue
They gathered their aunties -
anxiety and fear -
and we all sat down
and had a pow-wow.

They advised
that I should leave you be.
pull back
let the embers cool
think
until I realize
that leaping
was never a good idea in the first place.

Indeed.
It seems as if my very life is contingent upon obedience to their orders.
But
i am a hellion
made of dirt and light
and i don't take direction well.
Besides
i'll take a sweet death over a stale life
any day.

So i dismissed the council
and called to you
but you were there
standing with them
in the dark.

they were whispering to you

One Man's Soul

I heard the news in a hospital room, while holding my newborn cousin for the first time: Michael Jackson, regarded by many as the greatest entertainer of our time, is dead at 50 years old.

I am in shock, along with the rest of the world. Michael was an icon, an untouchable, larger than life. His persona seemed to be based on an energy beyond that of a normal human being, and his music touched people in ways usually attributed to transcendental spiritual experiences. People have been known to faint in his presence. He was the first and only of his kind. He was Michael Jackson.

The swell of emotions we are collectively experiencing reflects the sense of awe that Michael inspired. We are mournful - between his music and the media's obsession, it seems as if we knew him. We are celebrating - a giant has walked in our midst. We are still, both to honor his memory and embrace our confusion - what now? What will we do without him?

But if we are honest, we will realize that we all knew long before now that Michael was mortal.

The last few years of Jackson's life were plagued with controversy, and even at peak fame he was regarded as a bit of an odd bird. From pet chimps and back yard Ferris wheels to horrifying accusations of sexual crimes against children, Michael Jackson held rank as possibly the weirdest super-celebrity of our time. Record sales dropped, tabloids pounced, comedians made jokes and we all laughed, but inside, we were a little sad. Here was a man who was a genius among his peers, yet so deeply disturbed that it seemed he would never enjoy a normal life. Poor Michael.

His death raises important questions about legacy, redemption and reconciliation. I wonder if he had a moment to forgive those that hurt him, to repent for wrongs committed, to let his demons go. I wonder if he was at peace when he passed, if he felt he had lived his best life. Did the good outweigh the bad? How will we remember him, and who was he, really?

We'll never know, but I'll pray for his spirit to rest in harmony with the divine. What I do know is that the impact he had cannot be snuffed out as easily as the frail human form; his legacy is forever etched on the walls of our social structure.

In all the fun-making and lamentation over Michael during the past decade or so, we forgot that he actually made very significant contributions to our culture. He broke down barriers, internal and external, with beats and lyrics. Pop chart-toppers like "Thriller" and "Bad" busted through MTV's obvious color code. Social harmonizers such as "We are the World" brought us together in grand Kumbaya style. And heart prickers like "Man in the Mirror," "Have you seen my childhood?" and "Will you be there?" exposed the complexities of human emotion, begging us to look inside his soul as well as our own.

If we are honest, the view was muddy. And beautiful.


Rest in peace Michael.
June 25, 2009, The Day the Music Died

poem for the sea

I stand at your edge
wondering if you will invite me in
There is magic in the way the sun glistens on your face

I am awestruck
you are at once
cold and warm
creator and destroyer
I know that, venturing out, you may prove me
or break me
Still, i crave the adventure
and the healing of floating with you toward the horizon

You are beyond my control - a microcosm of Life
Seldom coaxed, never conquered
I cannot call you to me
but my spirit swells
as i stand and wait
for the tide.

New blog coming soon...

Hey people!

First, let me apologize - this isn't a real post. :( I just wanted to give everybody a heads up about the "Love Shack" - a new blog, featuring my alter ego as the lead writer, creator, liberator, lover and general head chic in charge. I've decided it's time to show the world my other side...

Meanwhile, this blog will stay active (if you can call it that) until the universe shuts it down. Check back for more updates and the new blog soon!

LOVE!

Carmen Renee
xoxoxoxoxoxo

Love is...?

I've heard love described as many things: a drug, a gun, a gift, a chemical reaction, an illusion, God.

What is it to you?

Untitled

I am not all that you think.
I am not the girl who never cries
Nor am I the girl who is always cool
I am not the sexy woman
Or your mother.

I can cook
but not every night.
I absolutely hate to clean, but I will when I have to
And sometimes, I break promises.

I am often late
I hate being late
Which means I am often annoyed with myself
I don't mean to direct it at you.

I sometimes speak the exact opposite of my feelings
in order to gage your reaction
(I'm sorry. it's automatic - i don't plan it that way)
Please know that I don't hate you.

My poems hardly ever rhyme.

And I want you
Despite the certainty that one day you will break my heart
And go on living.

fresh air/holiness

it is possible
that you will never
ever
love me

i know.

but it's so hard for me to enjoy you
without loving you

i cannot breathe without opening my lungs
to the air
and i cannot Live without opening my heart
to you.

i can't hold either one for more than a moment.
air is not meant to be held
but captured
and released before it becomes toxic.
perhaps it is so
with you

hope: will you let me capture you
for that moment?
gift me with your presence
rushing in
and open my eyes to life?
feed me, heal me
until you have to leave

only if i promise not to hold you too long?...

***
the spirit Selah smiles
watching the body to whom she's become so attached
this perplexed human girl
always finding herself in a mess
pure comic delight

she laughs bells
and sighs a rustling breeze
before spreading her wings
and descending upon the childlike creature

again and again she has watched the girl
stumbling upon love
in the oddest places
fumbling to remove it from its shell.
and then, proud as prize peach pie
she places it
in the pocket
with the hole in it.
loses it
before she regains her course
every time.

poor thing.

perhaps one day she will realize
that all pockets have holes
because loves are not meant to be kept
forever. they are wild and precious things
sacred in the sight of god, and they prefer to make their own way-
always through the thicket, never in the clear. they are hard to track,
but take kindly to the chase, and they always lead
their followers
to water.
an unpredictable and exhausting journey, complemented by the sweetest rest...
but one thing is sure:
you will never know a love long
if you try to take it with you.

the girl looks down
and watches the dust turn to mud on her toes.
she has found another hole
where her love used to be.
Selah swoops in to comfort

***
(revelation(?))

i promise
not to hold you
too long