Tonight, I am at a point in my life where I am very, very tired. I am exhausted by the constant transition, overwhelmed from being inundated with massive issues that ride into my life as punctually as the tide. I am tired of trying to figure it all out, which is funny, because I've hardly begun to try in the first place.
In fact, I'm too tired to finish this blog the way I intended to when I started. So, here are some things I've been thinking lately, just the raw deal, no fancy stuff.:
1. My soon-to-be ex-husband confuses the crap out of me, and it's so annoying. I do not regret our fights. Although I am remorseful and hurt by the memories, they were actually quite therapeutic for me. I think I'll take up kickboxing...
2. I am still very drawn to Christ and some Christian teachings, but I have not been to church regularly since 2007. Every time I go I remember why I stopped going. (Cue MJB's "No Drama"). But I will say that something in me really wants to have a solid spiritual connection with other people. That must be why I manage to muster up the self-induced amnesia that carries me through a dense fog and into the pews of a church once every six months. I need a new fix...
3. My personality has gone through some wild changes lately, at least to the outsider looking in. I, like most people, adjust to the world around me. I try my best to learn the lessons life presents to me, and modify my behavior accordingly. I am not unchanged by everything that has happened, and one part of me finds that fascinating, maybe even exciting. That's how life is lived - we change.
Another part of me is absolutely terrified about what that means for my future. There's a line in Their Eyes Were Watching God that I'll never forget: "Janie's first dream was dead, so she became a woman." The changes I've been going through lately all have to do with dead and dying dreams, so I guess I'm a woman now. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud. It makes me feel good to have come through some things, to have the kind of strength that has been tested. Still, as the quotation implies, there's a kind of morbidity that comes with this brand of maturity. There's a numbness to it. I'm afraid I'll end up another bitter black woman, damaged goods, or at the very least, just not special. True, I've learned a few things, become better in some ways, but in exchange some invisible hand has reached inside of me and started messing with the dimmer switch. This little light of mine isn't shining so bright anymore... and that scares me.
I saw one of MJB's SUV commercials the other day. Modern-day Mary was driving, and various Marys from other eras were filling the passenger and back seats. There were no words through the whole thing, until Modern Mary gets out and opens the trunk. The next shot is them driving away, with luggage on the sidewalk behind them. Then the voice over man says "The space to take everything with you, the wisdom to leave the baggage behind." At that, I burst into spontaneous tears (which I do a lot these days).
I want that. I want to own my innocence and my experience, and not have them cancel each other out. I want to make a purposeful decision to leave the burdens behind. I want a flicker of an idea about how to begin that process. And I want the courage, the hope, and the energy to follow through.
I also want your support, whoever you are. I can use all the help I can get. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, please.
Peace.
